our cab driver is having phone sex.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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