Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
