fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
