I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
