I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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