If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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