I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
ttyl tear gas
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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