see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
