Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
