So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
