I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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