pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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