shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My liver just had a heart attack.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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