are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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