Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
