it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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