the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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