i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
