I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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