Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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