im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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