Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize