things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
