please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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