Swine flu is the new snow day.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize