If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
