I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize