I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish you could order shots online.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
