I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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