Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
