Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
