If that was your dad, he is hot
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
