Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize