Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
false alarm, still single
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize