I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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