I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
