sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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