I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
