Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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