I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
