On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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