I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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