How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
