OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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