Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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