So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
