she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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