i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
