so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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