Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
