Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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