I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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