i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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