Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
