Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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