I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize