I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was like eating out sand paper
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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