Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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