I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize