did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
