This house was built for laser tag.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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