All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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