i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
