life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
