Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My life is pants optional.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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