I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize